accompaniment

My New Road of Discernment

“Nobody is courageous all the time. The unknown is a constant challenge, and being afraid is part of the journey.” ~Paulo Coelho

Why am I discerning to become a priest? I know this is never an easy question to answer. And if ever I would have an answer, I know I would not have one hundred percent certainty. As I look back on my journey it seems clear to me that God has played a larger role in getting me to this point than I have.
When I was very young, all I wanted was either to become an office worker or a priest. An office worker because I was sometimes brought by my father to his office so I thought everybody, when they grow up, should work in an office, and a priest, because I come from a religious family. We go to church every Sunday and pray the rosary everyday. It was I guess a very good formation in the Catholic faith during my childhood.

From my third grade until high school, I was a very active member of the Knights of the Altar in our school and in our parish, always appointed to take leadership roles since I at the time had the experience and I was the one who memorized the altar vessels and symbols of the Mass. I felt a certain joy serving God through the Holy Eucharist and I liked everything I was doing for God and His church. I enjoyed the weekly meetings, the preparations every Mass, the learning I got from retreats and recollections, and the robes I wore. I had a picture of what church life was all about and what a priest should be doing for the people.

Later in my high school years, the desire to become a priest has become stronger. Then I heard from our Guidance Counselor that brothers were coming over to our school to administer exams for the entrance to the seminary. I did not know back then that there were different religious groups, congregations, and societies and that each have specific charisms and works. All I knew was that I wanted to become a priest. The group that first came to our school was the Redemptorists. I took the exam and passed it. I went through the process of discerning with them by joining search-in seminars, taking exams, and getting to know the congregation more.

By God’s grace, I felt the calling and believed it. So I decided to join the formation program. I was there for 6 years. As a seminarian, I learned the activities inside the formation house like praying, studying, going to the apostolate areas, doing some household chores, recreating as a community and so on.It was there that I matured, had exciting experiences as a young adult, and became responsible. It was there that I learned about things and about life, from washing my clothes, learning Philosophy, to doing mission works.

Then a storm came to my life. I met an accident, went through financial crisis, and did not know what to do. My typically normal and joyful life was challenged. Everything changed… as I guess everything does whether I like it or not. I was emotionally, physically, psychologically drained. I blamed God, did not go to Mass and deserted almost everything.

The burdens I was carrying seemed so heavy that I was so unsure how to continue on with my life. I was fighting a battle so unfamiliar that seemed too much for me to handle. I was helpless, out of control, and so uncertain of what to do that I almost gave up. I never felt more human then…

But still, by God’s grace, I somehow made it through. I realized I had to go through it. I had to learn from it. It was such a humbling experience for me. I may not fully understand why I had to go through it but as a whole, it was a learning experience and I am thankful I had it as part of my life and did not give up.
I would say it was a tough journey but I did realize God was there all along. It made me stronger and a better person. In the middle of the turmoil I was confronting, there was God.

To a great extent it made me discover new and interesting truths. I learned a lot about myself and my role in the family, the community, the workplace, and the world. Despite the bitterness I felt for life because of what I had gone through, my inner and outer struggles have made me a stronger person today. I would say that right now, I can better manage crises and challenges. I have experienced life not just its joys but its despairs. As I look back, I believe God must be there all the way. It was just I who discarded Him. But I knew He never left me. I have been impatient, I tried to understand things my way when I should have trusted more. But now, I feel the joy of being empty with Him, offering my pains and struggles each day with Him.

I knew He was there because when I had to take care of myself, He gave me a job that was fairly very good and relatively comfortable. I was able to somehow look at myself, do what I wanted, befriended myself again and others, and helped my family. In freedom, I have enjoyed my life once again and trusted in what God had in store for me. I have become deeply in touch with my feelings and with what was going on inside and around me. I have valued love for myself and recognized my child within. I have learned to dream, to listen, and to be of service. I have seen things in a different light, in a different perspective.

I have learned the value of trying again, of moving on. And because of my experience, I am able to relate well with people who have struggles themselves. A number of people have come to me and asked me to listen to their concerns. I felt blessed and felt it is now part of my personal ministry. And if it is one way to serve others, then I would gladly do it the best way I can. I feel honored to have such privilege, that people trust me and share with me their life experiences.

At this point in my life at 26 years old, I have gained a lot of experiences in work and life. This seems to be a perfect life. I am having fun and living a great life. But something is still missing all these years. I still feel empty and want to find meaning.

I still do not know exactly what my future holds but I trust that God does. I know having doubts is part of the process and being afraid is part of decision making, but I should take the risk and overcome my fears because to be close to God is still my heart’s desire. Ultimately, though, I should not spend much of my time worrying. All I need to have is a tremendous amount of trust in the Lord. He has not let me down in the past and I know that He will not let me down in the future.

This is the reason I am on my discernment process once again… Right now, I am happy to be with the Accompaniment Program of the Missionary Society of St. Columban. I feel I am slowly taking a courageous step, and I am excited to discover where this would lead. The program has enhanced the fire of my desire to become a missionary priest. I am very thankful to the Columbans for the privilege and opportunity to listen and help me discern again at this time of my life’s journey.
I will have to let go and let God… In the end, it is not all about me but about Him and His calling for me…