My heart is restless…

at 25 and discerning to become a priest

When I was younger maybe about 10 years old, I used to serve at the altar during mass as an acolyte. Every first Friday of the month, I'd come to school early, leave my things behind and walk together with other young boys to church to prepare for the mass. Wearing our white sotana, I'd walk proud, tall and I'd feel privileged to be near the priest and being part of the entourage. During the mass especially during consecration, I would raise my head up and be captivated by the thought of Christ dying for me. Every time I served at mass, I always felt God's presence personally through the priest.

After graduating from primary school, a nun asked me if I wanted to continue serving as an acolyte. Sister Pilar Jorge told me to go to the Cathedral during Saturdays and look for boys gathered together who are usually having their weekly meeting. So, immediately that Saturday, I went to the Cathedral and as I was told I found a group of young boys having a meeting. I went in and I was asked to introduce myself. From then on, I was serving as an acolyte –every two to four masses every Sunday and on special religious celebrations.

When asked what I would become when I grew up, there were two things I would immediately reply – to become a veterinarian and a priest. Growing-up, I seldom went to church with my family, they never gave me ideas of what I should be when I grow up. They just supported me a lot with what I wanted to do.

The desire to become a priest was stronger during late highschool, when I began asking what I would do after graduation. One time vocation campaigners came to my school. The priest introduced himself as Fr. Dick Pankratz (a Columban) and told stories about his life as a priest. He was very animated and full of life. Then he asked the question, “WHO ARE INTERESTED?” Without looking around, I raised my arms and volunteered myself.

Finally, I decided to join the Missionary Society of St. Columban as a student under formation. I grew up a lot during those years of formation, learning to become more responsible and making my own decisions. But then a few months before I was going to leave for the next stage of formation, I decided not to continue and so I left formation.

Deciding to leave formation

 Journal entry for August 3, 2002 written at the Cenacle Sisters’ Residence.

“ I finally have a decision. I would leave formation first. Coming to this decision wasn’t easy. This is certainly one big decision and will change me. I was scared, afraid. I didn’t know how to say it to my parents, my supervisors. I am scared. I thought and prayed about it a lot. I feel I still need to find myself… It is very hard to make this decision because I realized people are expecting a lot from me… I feel I am not ready. But I hope God will wait. I need some time and some space. Stepping out of the program, maybe I could see more clearly what I really want to do with my life. I just feel this is the right thing to do for now.”

 And almost a year before I wrote those words, (8 August 2001, Jesuit Retreat House) I have written:

“About leaving formation for a while, it is quite frightening to think of it. It seems I am more secure and safe in the seminary/formation. But how does it feel to be out there, all alone, independent? I’d like to experience that…what if I make the wrong move. I’m scared. It will be about a year now before I graduate. Deciding to proceed to Manila will ultimately come…But I know when the time comes, God will show me. I trust in Him.”

It has been 5 years since I left formation and now I am 25 years old. I've been trying to understand why I decided not to continue. The reason I initally gave when I told my formator was that I wanted more “experience.” I wanted to work and earn a living. I wanted to do more growing up but not within the confines of formation. I wanted to be free. But behind all those things, it was fear. I wasn't so sure of what I'm doing so I decided to quit, to leave. I ran away instead of facing my fears. Why was I afraid then? What was I afraid of? I was once asked. I thought for a while. I was really scared of what people think of me. It is very important to me how they perceive me as a person. I was not very confident to make the decision to proceed because I felt I don't have much to offer. I am not worthy. I didn't have much to give up. I didn't have much to sacrifice. So I need to prove to myself and more to others that I am worthy.

I was looking for a good quotation on discovering yourself and on self-acceptance, when I found these words from the prayer book I always used while I was still in formation.

“Every person must have a concern for self, and feel a responsibility to discover his mission in life. God has given each normal person a capacity to achieve some end. True, some are endowed with more talent than others, but God has left none of us talentless. Potential powers of creativity are within us, and we have the duty to work assiduously to discover these powers.”-Martin Luther King

 “I do not care much what others say and think about me. But there is one man's opinion which I value very much and that is the opinion of James Garfield. Others I need not think about. I can get away from them, but I have to be with him all the time. He is with me when I rise up and when I lie down, when I eat and talk, when I go out and come in. It makes a great difference whether he thinks well of me or not.” -James Garfield

 Still searching for something...

From an e-mail I wrote for a priest-friend, “ Right now, I think I am at the time of my life where I am looking for meaning and reasons to life and to what I am doing. Everything is now just routine – I wake up-go to the office-face my computer-go back home- eat and sleep. This has been my routine, recently, dre. I am looking for something more meaningful. I don’t want to live like this forever.”

We all look for something that would give reason to why we are the way we are or to why we exists at all. Now at 25, I am still clueless of what to do with my life. I wish it was as easy back then for Jesus to just call on me and say, “Follow me.” That way I would really know. But now how would I be sure? I would often ask. But there is no certainty in life as I was told so many times. Everything is a risk. A leap of faith. Probably, I don't have much faith and courage to make that leap.

I am not worthy…

On being unworthy, I realized God did not just call men who were perfect or gifted. He called men who were sinners and not to mention Judas. I really don't need to prove anything to others because what really matters is my decision to follow Christ or not. At 25 and discerning to become a priest, I wish it is as easy as choosing to buy this or that. But it is not really just like choosing or deciding to take on a new job. I realized its more than that, it is not just about me – so many are called but only a few are chosen. I am only responding to a call. It is God who chooses not me. I once wrote: “I think it must be because I believe God called me that’s why I want to become a priest. God must be the center of whatever I do not me. I want to be a priest because God wants me to (Jesuit Retreat House, Feb. 9, 2002).”

I once asked my sister, if I am worthy to be a priest and she told me it doesn’t matter if I’m worthy or not, it doesn’t matter what others may think but what matters most is what’s in my heart. Her simple and direct words struck me… I was and I am very concern about what people will say about me. I realized it is my heart that is restless always looking for something more, something different. I realized I forgot about what I feel but dwelled more on things others may or may not necessarily think about me.

Recently, I’ve been hearing Mass every Sunday, which wasn’t easy at first because I have forgotten what it used to be during Mass. At first I wasn’t able to finish the entire Mass because I would leave early feeling tired and uneasy. But lately, since then I am always looking forward for my Sunday Mass, my day with my Lord. But I admit…despite going to church, hearing mass and knowing what’s right from wrong, I still make mistakes. But everyday I try to change to be better and I am striving.

Complicate your life … and dream like a child

I’ve been keeping a journal and this one I quote:

“April 7, 2007: I once read that to live simply is not to live at all. I have been living a simple life away from commitments and responsibilities. I do not commit much to people to get away from responsibilities. …back in college I used to study Theodicy which attempts to understand the existence of God. But now I am living and asking the questions I used to read about in college.

 My life is so good that I am beginning to ask why. Things good things have come my way unexpectedly. What does all these things mean for me? Am I in the right place? But I’m not getting the fulfillment and meaning in what I am doing everyday. I can’t even tell you from the deepest crevices of my heart why I am doing these things. I want to know what I am meant to be.”

I feel God is showing me all these options in life and allowing me to choose freely and joyfully. But it is difficult. When you are given a box of assorted chocolates, you would want to get everything. But in life you only get to choose one path, one mistake or one right decision. And no one else can make that decision but me.

Another journal entry of the same date reads, “I always dreamed of becoming a priest and a veterinary doctor. I wasn’t an excellent student but I was a diligent and hardworking one. I was an altar boy, a sacristan for most of my childhood to teenage years. I spent a lot of my time in church. Everything I did was towards that dream. Then maybe I need to dream again. Dreams are like the wind that drives your sails and move you through life.”

 I have never lost that dream…the desire to become a priest, a missionary priest. And I want to complicate my life… to be committed to something, to have passion and meaning in what I am and will be doing for the rest of my life. My heart is restless. I know in the depths of my soul what I want but I still could not say it out loud with all my heart.